Better Call Walt
by BCW737
Summary: Walt gets fired from his job writing greeting cards for Hallmark, Hallmark, and McGill. Meanwhile, Saul navigates the criminal underworld as a ruthless meth candy kingpin and closet Trekkie.
1. Chapter 1

Better Call Walt

The story begins with Walt who was previously working in manufacturing greeting cards in the mail room at Hallmark, Hallmark, and McGill. Gus storms into the mail room and looks Walter dead in the eyes.

"Walter! These greeting cards are unacceptable!"

"Calm down, Gus. What is the problem?"

"Violets are red. My meth is blue. Step on my turf and I'm going kill you," Gus says as he reads the greeting card back to Walter.

"I personally thought it was quite good, actually. You even have a quote by Walt Whitman on the back of the card," Walt says as he pours himself a cup of black coffee.

"Walt. I'm sorry to say this. But you leave me no choice." Gus slowly begins to take out a box cutter from his pocket as he looks at Walter with a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very angry expression on his face.

Gus cuts the card in half with the box cutter.

"You're fired Walt."

"Fine. You want to fire me? You want to fire me? You want to fire me? You want to fire me? Fire me you will? Well before you do, I just have one thing to say," Walt says as he comes an inch from Gus's face and looks at Gus like he is about one step away from stepping away from him.

"Knock. Knock" Walter says in a menacing tone.

"Who's there?" Gus asks inquisitively.

"The one who knocks," Walt says.

Baby Blue by Badfinger plays in the background as Walt packs up his brief case and storms out of the building flipping off his coworkers. Walt goes down the elevator and storms off into his Pontiac Aztek. Suddenly, Walt realizes there's a gun being pointed at the back of his head from someone behind the front seat. It's Tuco.

"I told you to make me the perfect greeting card and you make me this wack ass punk shit," Tuco says while eating a Taco.

"Tuco. Just give me a little more time and I will make you the perfect greeting card! I swear a will!" Walter says while looking at Tuco who looks back at Walter who looks back at Tuco who looks back at Walter who looks back at Walter who looks back at Tuco who looks back at Darth Vader.

"It's too late for that. You're gonna write me a new greeting card or I'm going to kill your old ass," Tuco says in a super duper menacing tone.

Meanwhile, Jessie is getting crunk at a Babylon 5 convention when he suddenly realizes that he'd better call Walt.


	2. Chapter 2

"Saul, there's a murderous drug lord on line two who says he's going to kill you," Franchesca says while wearing a rockin' red dress that accentuates her voluptuous features.

"Thanks Franchesca," Saul says in a delighted manner.

"Alright. Listen, we both know your candy is not as pure as mine. My pop rocks candy is 99.9% pure, while your candy is 99.6% pure at best. You could kill me: you could do that. But if you do, you'll never know the secret to my formula. Not my formula for how I pick up women by pretending to be Kevin Costner, and not the formula for the candy either," Saul says while playing Pokemon on his gameboy.

"So you listen to me bucko, you're going to work for me – distributing my poprocks candy to all of the big players in Albuquerque," Saul says in very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very serious tone.

"And what if I don't?" the ruthless drug lord says while moonwalking. He is 6'8", bald, and covered in tattoos, including a Swastika tattoo, seven tear drop tattoos, and a tattoo on his ass that says "MOM" in bold letters with hearts around it.

"Listen. We both know we don't want this to get ugly. Because once this gets ugly, that's it. There's no going back. It's ugly. You can't put lipstick on a pig and call it Celine Dion, and you can't go back from what you're about to not be able to come back from," Saul says while leveling up his Charizard.

Suddenly, there is dead silence as an extremely dramatic sound effect plays in the background. You know, that sound effect where it's like bum bum bum. You know the one I'm talking about.

"Alright Saul; I'll do it. There's just one more thing…"

"What?" Saul exclaims in a highly irritated tone.

"I know this sounds crazy. But you have my number. So call me maybe," the ruthless bald ex-convict says while listening to "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen.

Saul slams the phone down in an enraged manner, breaking the phone as Disturbed performs their moving cover of Simon Garlfunkle's the Sound of Silence from the corner of Saul's office.

"GET THE FUCK OUT!" Saul screams, shooing Disturbed out the door.

"Okay! Okay! No need to be rude!" the lead singer of Disturbed says, packing up the bands equipment and leaving.

Saul sits back in his chair, pours himself a glass of Caprisun, and suddenly realizes he'd better call Walt.


End file.
